Pet Project, Trista, Post 5

We were in his car within the hour. East. That was all I knew. “Hey Donnie,” I said slumping under the seatbelt in the crammed back seat.

“Yeah?” He glanced at the rearview mirror with a bored look on his face.

“Just think you should know something.”

“What?”

“How severely you suck. I mean you suck like a sucker fish. You suck as much as fresh baked cookies are delicious,” I said referring to the old saying, hoping put him on a bit of a friendly guilt trip.          

It didn’t work. He simply laughed, “I know, right?”

Hannah sighed and rolled her head to look at him. “She is right, you’re a greedy bastard and you thoroughly suck.” I smiled wide from behind her.

“Oh, I’m not that bad. I’m just following orders, and ladies, you don’t know what could happen if I don’t,” he said a bit more somber.

“Who gives the orders anyways,” I asked flat toned.

“Dad,” he replied shaking the turning signal until it worked, and after the corner.

I zoned out the windshield for a moment, if it had to do with father, I bet I could guess how things operated. Hannah swiveled to look at me with a pitying look on her face. I smiled a lie, “I’m fine.”

“No you’re not,” she said pouting for me.

“I’ve dealt with him for over sixteen years; a couple more days can’t hurt.”

She squinted at me for a moment. “If you say so,” she said staring. I didn’t want her to see the tears in my eyes as I quickly turned my head to the window. My home town disappeared and the worry in my stomach arrived uninvited. Still we drove, I closed my eyes tight just so I didn’t have to see my life go to hell all over again.

Outside of my own little world I heard my brother flinch and complain. I opened my eyes and saw Hannah give him an annoyed look and her head jerk towards me.

“What do you want me to do,” he whispered, not knowing just how obvious their conversation was.

“She’s your sister, Donnie. You know her better than I do, say something.”

“Like what? Babe, you don’t understand, there’s nothing to say. In our family things are the way they are, no matter how much it hurts.” I didn’t turn to look at them but I could guess his face, looking out the window with pinched eyebrows and half his mouth scrunched to the side. Uncomfortable. Thinking about the man he loved as a father and thinking of me; the fact we could never be happy with each other should make him feel odd.

“There’s always something.”

It was quiet I looked over just enough to see him begin to shake his head. “Not always, not always. You don’t understand . . .”

She made a frustrated noise, “Then make me understand! You know me, I won’t give up on this. I’m a hopeless softy.” He said nothing. “Donnell, I remember you talking about her. All the time. Because you missed her and you wanted to believe that she was still alive, still happy. You even admitted to me that if you ever saw her again that you’d do anything to fix that void you’ve always had between you. Donnie I don’t want to see you lose your sister again, and I know you don’t want to.”

My brother curled over toward the steering wheel. “I don’t,” he said gently. “I want to fix that void, more than anything, but it’s not mine to fill. That void is my Dad, the way he looks at her with disgust, if he looks at her. The way she looked at him as a little girl with crayon drawings of the two of them holding hands, all that hope that this would be the picture to make him change. All she wanted was a smile, a hug maybe, but no. He just told her to put them on the desk. I remember the day she watched him crumple up a picture and throw it away. That was the day she grew up. When she realized the world was a terrible place, and there was nothing she could do about it. I found her in her room crying softly. I asked her why, and you know what she said?”

Hannah swallowed hard. She shook her head, but it seemed like she was more telling him she didn’t want to know.

“She told me that Andrew didn’t love her. I said no, that he was her Daddy and that wasn’t possible. Trista looked me right in the eyes the way a little girl should have to. A little girl shouldn’t even know that face. She said, “No, he’s your Daddy, he’s nothing to me, just like I’m nothing to him.” After that there were no more crayons, no more make-believe, no more tag or running around in sprinklers. Just a broken, sad woman, in a too small body.”

Her head on her knees, Hannah was shaking her head; she opened her mouth to speak then closed it again. Finally she said in a quiet voice, “You’re right. I don’t understand.”

“I still don’t think I do. Dad’s always loved me, a very proud father and all that, but after that day I can’t give him the full amount of love in return. My sister means too much to me, despite his attempts to break our sibling connection. But trust me on this, when you see him look at her, you’ll understand why there’s nothing I can say, and you’ll believe me that he truly does not care about Trista.”

I sat in the back biting my lip as if that could keep the sound of sobs from breaking through. I remembered that picture, too. Three days I had spent trying to make that the best it could possibly be, which, to a girl of my age, seemed like a very long time. He hadn’t even bothered to look at me he just said, “Put it on the desk.” I did happily, respecting that he was busy. I had crept to the door of his study to see if he had looked at it yet. Three times and still nothing. But the fourth, the fourth changed everything. Donnie had it right. Crumple. Throw. Sit back down to read. No emotion. Nothing.

I tore my head from my memory quickly. “I need out,” I said through a sob. They both darted to look at me. “Pull over,” I begged, “Please!”

“Trista, what is it,” he said slowing down.

I started fighting with the door handle and gulping for air. “Trista!” He yelled as I began to run. That’s all I thought: run. I couldn’t see a thing with the tears, but I didn’t care, I just needed to get away. They were both calling for me. Didn’t register. Running felt good, nothing but passing landscape. No me. I was vaguely aware of someone behind me but I forced myself to believe that he would never catch up. However, he had my arm the next second, I slid and fell and he pulled me close to him. His arms tight around me wouldn’t let me escape, not that it kept me from thrashing. He was speaking to me but I wouldn’t hear. My thoughts were yelling at me, but I wouldn’t hear.

I screamed. Loud and long and painful. I ran out of breath. I screamed still. My mind could handle no more and I collapsed into a world of darkness.