Turns out seeing my brother didn’t come soon enough, school seems long as it is without having to wait to see someone, because that just makes it all the worse. When the end of the day finally rolled around and the bus finally huffed and puffed its way to my corner I found myself nearly running to my door. Donnie threw the door open before I reached it “Where the hell have you been? It’s like four!”
“Oh, yeah, we get out of school later than when you were around.”
“Ah,” he said relaxing and flushing a bit.
I wandered into my house, and, of course, there was food eaten and out. “Haven’t lost you’re appetite I see. Looks like I’m going broke.”
Someone giggled from behind me. I jumped and spun around. A woman was sitting on my couch and smiled. “Sorry, she said politely, “I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m Hannah.” She held out her hand and I shook it slowly.
“Um, who?”
“Crap, I forgot to tell you. This is my girlfriend, I’ve been hauling her around with me.”
“Gee, make me sound like a worthless piece of baggage, why don’t you?”
“I didn’t mean to say it like that, all I meant was-”
She laughed and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m only teasing, love.”
I couldn’t help but smile at their romantic joke. I laughed. “It’s fine, good to meet you.”
“And you as well.”
I shook my head as I remember why Donnie was here. “Hey, now will you tell me what’s going on.”
Hannah gave him a look. “Yes, please do.”
“You don’t know either,” I asked. She shook her head. “Jeepers,” I muttered.
“Look I’ll tell you all at once, but let’s just get Mom here first.”
They both looked at me. Hannah’s arms hugging his. I sighed. “That. Mmmm.” I sat heavily on the couch. “That’s going to be a problem.”
“What’s going on,” Donnie turned on his serious voice.
“I, well, I, I don’t know how to say this . . .”
It was silent. “What,” he demanded after taking all the quiet he could take.
“Mom’s . . . Mom’s dead.”
They sat there staring at me, I could feel it. I didn’t dare look up at them. An ominous moment hung over us. “What,” he said.
“She died. About a month after you left.” I was staring at the floor trying to keep tears from surfacing.
It hit him. He gulped and tried to catch his breath only to exhale fiercely again. He made that odd sound of sheer astonishment and anger. “Ho,” he said letting out every bit of breath inside his lungs.
“Donnie-” Hannah started, putting a hand on his shoulder.
He shook his head and ran his fingers through his long hair. “Shit,” he muttered. “Shit, shit, shit.” He got up and twisted to look at me. I couldn’t look at his face. “Fuck!” He yelled as soon as he saw the truth on my face. He paced a small circle around the room. I put my hands in my face. “FUCK!” He bellowed.
I let him have his moment. I knew that feeling well. Hannah got up to began to get up to comfort him. I grabbed her arm. She looked down at me distraught. I shook my head. She sat slowly down.
He plopped down on the floor beside me after a moment. “How,” he said quietly. His brow was ruffled as he searched the carpet back and forth for some kind of answer.
“Suicide,” I said flatly.
He wheeled his head around to look at me. “What?!”
“Yeah,” I said.
“What?!” He repeated. Mom had never been little miss always peppy, but she was never depressed, much less willing to kill herself.
“After Dad left she went buzurk. Guess she really couldn’t live without him.”
He looked back at the beige carpet between his opened legs. It was all sinking in. “After Dad left,” he whispered looking just slightly up. “Suicide.” He let his head drop lower. He closed his eyes and all was quiet. Quiet. “How,” he said firmer after an eternity of silence.
“Slit her wrists in the master bathroom,” I recited just as the cops had told me. Bled out. Not a homicide.
He sighed once more.
There we sat. Consumed in our own thoughts and memories. I felt the tears spill down from my eyes when they could take no more. A sob broke from my chest and within seconds I was bawling again. It had been awhile since I had cried over my mother. We never had been as close as I had wanted, but that was just all the more reason to miss her. “I’m so sorry Donnie,” I choked out. He turned to look at me. I curled up putting my head in my hands and my hands on my knees. He slowly got up and sat next to me, rubbing my back gently. I curled sat up and put my head on his chest and cried into him. He pulled me tight to him and let his hot tears drip into my hair. Fuck was right.
Fuck.
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